Insight into my heart.
I spent most my life living in that prison cell depending on the season: rejection, un-worthiness, pain, self-hate, abandonment. For the first time I felt like you unlocked those doors and pulled me out violently in your embrace. You said- Marissa b/c I love you we need to go there- I will be gentle and will restore to you what has been stolen. It was as if I could breathe again – as if I felt like I had new life- one w/out ball and chains… one w/out fear… loneliness… false idols…
I was scared to go there but I did b/c where else could I go. I was tired of trying to be your child and tell others about you when inside I was dying- I was slowly become my worst enemy and I was clinging to anything that looked like love or security- but in the end that left me the emptiest of all. I tried religion and that created a performance based love which only brought deeper condemnation and shame. I tried relationships that failed me and couldn’t meet any expectation that only you could satisfy. You had to adjust things in my life by your love and because of your love. You didn’t want anything to share that place where only you should dwell and meet the longings of my heart. Although letting go of things was hard in the end I could never return to broken cisterns that can not satisfy. I realized that your love has been constant my whole life it was just I had things in the way of receiving that love.
It seems we are dancing again and your love is overwhelming yet inviting- so intense- so wonderful. It is as if nothing else mattered b/c all those other things couldn’t survive in that love and you were jealous to have me to yourself. I felt alive and was glowing from allowing you to have all of me. No- it wasn’t easy but it was worth the wrestling, the tears, the fear of being in a new un-familiar place- yet is was as if that is where I belonged and should of lived all along. The enemy has always hated the place where there is intimacy with you b/c there he can not compete with as darkness can not fellowship with light.
All I know is you walked with me through it all and you were never overwhelmed by my heart or pain and refused to leave me bound by my sin and selfish desires.
You have written my life before time and have ordered every one of my steps. Your love has never once changed, moved, or failed me- you love me 100% of the time all the time. It is in that love I find comfort and I find security and peace where my heart use to have un-rest. I see the missing pieces of the puzzle making their way in the right spot as I watch the Lord put it where He wants it and where He can use it to make my story complete as He who began a good work continues to…
You know me and know the depths of my heart. You would not stand beside my pain as my Healer and let the broken pieces remain- you came to bind up the broken – hearted. You asked me not to fellowship with the pain or problem but to fellowship with you. You are the creator of my heart and therefore I trusted you to put it back together again- this time with your love in the place of all earthly love.
I trust that you are capable of using everything that happens in my life for your name sake. I will accept the things handed to me and surrender my life and all my pain to you to use my story to encourage those who too have walked in valley of the shadow of death.
