I think one of the greatest tragedies among believers is the deceitful sin that we are not unconditionally loved by our creator. When that truth is not present and secure in our hearts than the enemy can come and destroy our sense of worthiness. If we do not believe we are worthy than we are unable to receive from the hands of our Father; who desires to give good gifts to His children (Luke 11:13).

The other day a dear woman of God was praying for me and began to weep as she said, " the Lord wants you to know that you are a treasure to Him." I realized in that moment the very thing I have believed for everyone else I have not believed for myself. In my spirit I felt the Lord asking me the question, "why would I send Jesus to redeem you if there was not some value in His creation (you) worth redeeming?"

God is calling me into a season of rest, healing, and most importantly RECEIVING. I think when you give your life to ministry and serving others it is so easy to get caught up in the "doing" and miss out on "receiving" from the Father. The truth is you can't give what you are not receiving and can only pour out to the measure you are being filled up. I have to know that God loves me because He loves me; and that does not change whether I am feeding the hungry, serving those around me, or sitting on my back porch watching the birds sing. 

I know that on an operating table you can't decide in the middle of it that you want to get up and leave. Sounds funny, but I believe God has wanted to do heart surgery on me and take out all the infections and lies but I have to be still long enough for Him to do His work. It is a time to be HEALED to HEAL- that is the desire of God's heart and my destiny.

I am basking today in the simple truth that Jesus Loves Me and I want that truth to radically change me from the inside out.

Perfect love casts out fear- I remember sitting in the back pew looking for peace and allowing that truth penetrate my heart.   Somehow I heard it differently in my heart and what I heard was that "fear casts out love." It was as if I saw the Lord, the true definition of love, with His arms wide open waiting for me to receive His love.   His love never changed but I had allow fear to hinder me from receiving that love.   The truth is that where love is fear can not be present, so when I was living out of fear I was rejecting love that offers peace to my soul.

The pastor asked that those who have given into fear, to confess it, and even challenged us to stand up. I remember my heart beating faster and the lump in my throat that felt like a golf ball. I think the Holy Spirit pulled me up because before I knew it I was standing. With trembling I began to speak, but what came out was not rehearsed or planned. I said these words, " I am not a victim of my past but a product of what Jesus did on the cross." It was as if heaven itself was speaking through me and that truth expelled every lie that had driven me to fear. The shackles got loose and I wept as I felt the arms of my Savior embracing me; calling me by my new name: "worthy."

Worthy of the love that Jesus died to give me, worthy of receiving all God had for me, worthy of freedom, and worthy to be the Beloved of Christ. All the voices of my past, the demons that tormented me, and the people and circumstances who I allowed define me; became silent. I no longer believed those voices more than the word of God- the voice of truth. Yes, the truth will set you free and I felt as if the heavy burden of that lie fell to the ground and I could dance.   I believed I was my past and in that lie fear had become my best friend, but I rejected that friend that day and received a new friend- Forgiveness.  

This time of year is such a celebration of love and freedom. It is a celebration that we are a new creation in Christ and He who knew no sin became sin so we could become the righteousness of God.   What a gift it is to know that Jesus died to set me free; free from my past, shame, sin, and fear.  He allowed me to walk out of Egypt and into the promise land where He is the living water and I never have to thirst again. My soul is satisfied.

Happy Resurrection Day.   The tomb is empty so let's live like it...

"My lover spoke and said to me, "arise my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come...the fig tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance." Song of Songs 2:11-13

God has called me to live among the broken and simply love them as He leads me. I am ministering at a group home with teenage girls who are among the poor in spirit. God whispered a promise to me before I left and sweetly said, "Marissa, you will come out of the desert and winter season and walk into your gardens." You will see the seeds of pain in your life that you have allowed me to water with my love become a harvest of restoration in lives I call you to live among. 

The other week I was reminded of this promise and as I was praying and asking God what that garden looked like He gently lead me to look up at the faces of the girls I am called to disciple and live with. I felt God was saying these are the flowers in your garden and I have put the most delicate flowers in your care to tend to and care for and you water them with my love and be a light in the dark place that keeps them from blooming. Let's just say from there I was like a leaky facet and overwhelmed with His love for them and for allowing me to be part of His love in their lives.

I could tell you their stories that would break your heart and you would be overwhelmed at the pain in their lives much to the reflection of other's sin and wrong done to them. They have been abandoned, crushed, and wounded and are looking for love or anything to fill that pain. More than their pain what I weep for and what burdens my heart is the fact that they are remaining in that pain and don't know the way out or where to turn. 

Last week God brought me to a place I did not think I could go- honestly I couldn't without His spirit or grace. I found myself thanking Him for the rejection, pain, and brokenness in my life that He has delivered me from. I know not only the one who Heals but the Healer; I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death and have encountered the Living Resurrection; I have been encountered the love of Christ that has filled every hole and healed my broken heart.   Out of the pit He has rescued me from He has called me to show those the way out who are living the same pit I once found my home. I have hope and I know the hope they long for and the one who can turn their ashes into beauty and that is the song I am singing over them through my words, life, and love that reflect Him.

Maybe starvation doesn't look like a young boy in Africa finding food among the garbage dumps- maybe it is among these young girls who are so hungry for truth that will set them free and a love that will not fail them or harm them.   This is missions in America... their sin and pain isn't an issue for God that isn't what overwhelms me because that is what He died for- I long to see them set free from their shame and pain by knowing the one who can set them free.

 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  Matthew 11:28-30

 

Accept this invitation that God is giving you- come to Him all who are weary and He will give you rest.

 

ุ Write your plans in pencil b/c God will erase when necessary

ุ God is enough

ุ Never allow anything outside of Him to satisfy you or bring you comfort- it will only leave you empty and longing for Him

ุ Enjoy the journey- enjoy His presence daily and look for Him in everything

ุ Don't put your trust in man or look to man for love- they will eventually let you down

ุ Forgive- don't keep records of wrongs- let the debt be paid by His blood- it will free you.

ุ Forgive yourself

ุ Love at all times- He is Love and that is the gift we can give to everyone around us

ุ Examine your heart to see if there is any offense there- give it to God

ุ Don't be afraid to cry out to God- to face the deep things in your heart- to be willing to endure pain in order to heal- don't give up in the process

ุ Laugh out loud – do it often

ุ Sing on the top of your lungs- He loves it- your peers my not but they'll get over it.

ุ Dance for Jesus- even if you dance like a white girl- it's the heart behind it.

ุ Go wherever He sends you

ุ Obey whole-heartedly – can't use a pencil if its still half way in your pocket- same with the Lord- He needs us to be fully available and fully obedient

ุ Be thankful- stop dwelling on things don't have and thank Him for what you do have and what is yet to come- GET YOUR PRAISE ON!!

ุ Smile- we're forgiven, saved, and loved by God- why shouldn't we smile

ุ Tell the enemy to take a hike- we have that authority- if you know he's lying to you stop believing it

ุ Receive- don't rob people of blessing you or the Lord for that matter

ุ Celebrate for people – be happy for those around you-

ุ Weep with people- be a shoulder others can cry on

ุ Be able to say "I'm sorry" and admit when you fall short- we aren't God and thank God for that

ุ Don't love to get something in return- love b/c that is who you are

ุ Believe God is who He says He is and will do what He says He will do- stop letting doubt rob you of joy

ุ Encourage those around you- that is what the body of Christ is for

ุ Never repay evil for evil- overcome evil with good- not about us.

ุ SEEK FIRST HIS KINGDOM!!!

ุ ุ Enjoy the beauty of God's creation- He made it for that purpose

ุ BE STILL AND KNOW HE IS GOD!!!

Driving down the road in Montana with my friend there we saw her... a cute hunched-back lady raking leaves outside. Without saying a word my friend slammed on the breaks and said "Marissa get out and I'll come get you later." She knows me too well and my love for the "wiser people of this world ". It was love at first sight and she was too cute to just pass on by...

As I approached her frail body I introduced myself and asked her what she was doing raking leaves all by herself and I couldn't let her do that. She said honey I am 90 years old and all alone but I still have enough strength to rake these leaves. So- just in those few short utterances she had my heart and I wanted to hear her story. I asked her what her secret was to being in such good health and shape for her age... she replied "walking and Jesus." I wanted to ask her to be my Grandma, but instead I settled for a hug. I just smiled b/c since I've been back from Africa I miss the Go-Go's (grandmother) so much, but God knows my heart and wanted to give me a little kiss in the form of this precious elderly bundle of cuteness.

She invited me into her house and nothing could have prepared me for the collection, dare I say obsession inside. When I walked into her living room there were over 4000 sets of eyes staring at me. Oh-now that I've got your attention I should explain... she has been collecting dolls since she was five years old. After 85 years of collecting dolls one might say she is quiet the connoisseur of dolls. Her 12 X 14 foot living room was covered from floor to ceiling with dolls. Where her couch use to sit now sat dolls from different eras over the decades. It wasn't for a lack of feeling that these dolls were dearly loved that I felt a little sorrow in my heart as she began to un-fold the story of her life. 

She received her first doll at the age of 5 when her mother passed away and she was taken in by her Elementary school teacher who gave her a doll. As a child in crisis she clung to her doll and received comfort and joy in the doll. One day while playing she left the doll outside and when she went back for it –it was gone. She spent next 85 years searching for the feeling of comfort that doll evoked within her. She kept most of them in storage her entire life until her husband passed away 20 years ago and then she put them out and began collecting again. Again... that void in her life has been filled with "false security" she desperately grasp at the only thing she knows of comfort. I guess there is no fear in loving a doll because they can't love her back and she doesn't have to worry about them dying. Standing in the middle of her living room fully aware of our need for God and His comfort my heart ached as I realized these dolls were not collectables but gauze for her heart.

We prayed together and I shared about the one who sees each tear she has cried and came to bind up her broken-heart. I reminded her that He has never left her or forsaken her- a God who is living and offers love and comfort beyond anything this world could give.

There is no one on this earth who doesn't know suffering. We spend our lives and our time filling and borrowing what this world has to offer.   So often we choose not to deal in God's economy but in our own. The economy of God's love has no bounds, there is no wound it can not heal, there is no need it can not meet. What are you borrowing from this world to fill your hurt or pain? What are you doing to make sense of your past?  Are you willing to let God have access to your pain?

Everything the world has to offer to ease to our pain is a temporary imitation like stuffing gauze into a fatal wound.   We try in our own strength to ease the pain... maybe ignoring it, running from it, or replacing it with something that looks and feels good but isn't God. 

Jesus is what our hearts are begging for, He is the creator of our hearts and therefore we can be brave by bringing our pain to Him and having hope that He will heal our wounds.   I wonder what we've collected in our own hearts over the years and I wonder if we're aware that Jesus is still waiting to replace the gauze with His healing balm. 

 

I spent most my life living in that prison cell depending on the season: rejection, un-worthiness, pain, self-hate, abandonment. For the first time I felt like you unlocked those doors and pulled me out violently in your embrace. You said- Marissa b/c I love you we need to go there- I will be gentle and will restore to you what has been stolen. It was as if I could breathe again – as if I felt like I had new life- one w/out ball and chains... one w/out fear... loneliness... false idols...

I was scared to go there but I did b/c where else could I go. I was tired of trying to be your child and tell others about you when inside I was dying- I was slowly become my worst enemy and I was clinging to anything that looked like love or security- but in the end that left me the emptiest of all. I tried religion and that created a performance based love which only brought deeper condemnation and shame. I tried relationships that failed me and couldn't meet any expectation that only you could satisfy. You had to adjust things in my life by your love and because of your love. You didn't want anything to share that place where only you should dwell and meet the longings of my heart. Although letting go of things was hard in the end I could never return to broken cisterns that can not satisfy. I realized that your love has been constant my whole life it was just I had things in the way of receiving that love.

It seems we are dancing again and your love is overwhelming yet inviting- so intense- so wonderful. It is as if nothing else mattered b/c all those other things couldn't survive in that love and you were jealous to have me to yourself. I felt alive and was glowing from allowing you to have all of me.  No- it wasn't easy but it was worth the wrestling, the tears, the fear of being in a new un-familiar place- yet is was as if that is where I belonged and should of lived all along. The enemy has always hated the place where there is intimacy with you b/c there he can not compete with as darkness can not fellowship with light.

All I know is you walked with me through it all and you were never overwhelmed by my heart or pain and refused to leave me bound by my sin and selfish desires.

You have written my life before time and have ordered every one of my steps.  Your love has never once changed, moved, or failed me- you love me 100% of the time all the time. It is in that love I find comfort and I find security and peace where my heart use to have un-rest.  I see the missing pieces of the puzzle making their way in the right spot as I watch the Lord put it where He wants it and where He can use it to make my story complete as He who began a good work continues to...

You know me and know the depths of my heart. You would not stand beside my pain as my Healer and let the broken pieces remain- you came to bind up the broken – hearted. You asked me not to fellowship with the pain or problem but to fellowship with you.  You are the creator of my heart and therefore I trusted you to put it back together again- this time with your love in the place of all earthly love.

I trust that you are capable of using everything that happens in my life for your name sake. I will accept the things handed to me and surrender my life and all my pain to you to use my story to encourage those who too have walked in valley of the shadow of death.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil. This is the declaration of my heart and my promise as His child. I will overcome, I will walk through, and joy will come in the morning.  I am confident that you are with me and my name is engraved in the palm of your hand.  His hands formed me and know me and hold me.  he is capable of handling anything I face and is bigger than any circumstance or pain...

TRUST FALL!!! You just never know when it's going to happen so you better be prepared. So, this summer it was a beautiful peaceful morning with just the sound of the roosters and leaves swaying in the wind. I was enjoying a nice cup of hot coffee over the fire and listening to my I-POD worship. All of a sudden out of nowhere came dun..dun..dun...- Amie Rawlings- a wopping 90 lb. girl who screamed "trust fall" and I reached out my hands and saved her life. O.k. so really it went down like this: I reached out my hands and it was too late and she hit the ground hard with a symphony of boing* plunk* uh*- ouch.   Being the fearless leader I was I thought I would make it spiritual and give a lesson. Amie- you can't put your trust in man because they will fail you and let you down (literally). I wanted to show you that you can only put your trust in God. You better believe the rest of the summer I was on guard and ready to hear "trust fall" because you never know the time or place it would happen- and trust me it was the first of many. 

Are you ready for this: "IF THE LORD DELIGHTS IN A MAN'S WAY, HE MAKES HIS STEPS FIRM; THOUGH HE STUMBLE, HE WILL NOT FALL, FOR THE LORD UPHOLDS HIM WITH HIS HAND."- PSALM 37:23-24

Did you catch that? The Lord will not allow us to fall- so everyday you can scream "trust fall" because isn't that what our life in Christ is about: trust. You can guarante He will catch you every time.   

There are times we feel as if we are falling or something came and tried to knock us down w/out any warning: an unexpected phone call, e-mail, death of a loved one, sickness, rejection, whatever it may be in life that came like a boulder underneath you. The good news is you can fall right into His loving arms- He will catch you and He will comfort you. The enemy thinks He is clever to destroy us but the truth is that Jesus is so much stronger than Him and nothing is out of the reach of His tender loving arms. Those who put their trust in the Lord will never be put to shame- never drop us when we fall (Psalm 25:3); that is a promise.  

I can hear the Lord saying now: Do you trust me? We can fall into His embrace through His word, by our faith, into His presence. Faith is simply putting our trust in Him and believing He is who He says He is and we can count on it- we can scream "trust fall" and know He will catch us every time. We don't need to hesitate if we believed in confidence that we can trust Him 100% of the time all the time. No matter what comes our way we can say "it's o.k. I trust Him and He won't let me fall." 

I loved that Amie trusted me (after she knew I wouldn't drop her again- sorry Amie) and would just fall into my arms. It gave me such pleasure and I loved those moments- as I'm sure our Father in heaven does. When we Know Him and Believe Him (not just believe in Him) we are able to put our complete confidence and trust in Him. There are so many situations that bring us to a place where all we can say is "trust fall" and of course He says "I'm right here ready to catch you my child." What an amazing Father we have.

If there is one thing I have been encouraged by in my time in Africa is how the believers rejoice in their suffering. When I arrived their church services were always full of such life in worship and I would ask what is this song about and 9 times out of 10 they would say "thank you Jesus." I have an inside joke with one of my Swazi friends when I ask her what this song means, I usually say let me guess "thank you Jesus."  They live out what it means to give thanks in all circumstances. There is so much suffering as a part of life here and they see it as a way to draw closer to the Lord. I think for some reason I had the mentality that I had a right not to suffer , especially as a believer. I mean, if Jesus really loves me why would He allow me to hurt or suffer (sorry dad you don't lie and you say you know the plans you have for us not to harm us...). Yet, the Lord calls us to know Him in our suffering and that it will produce a glory in us that far out weighs any trial we go through. It is a joy to identify with Him in our suffering because than we know we are not alone and that He is the only one who understands us and can bring comfort.

Usually our response to pain is "why Lord" or "how could this of happened to me" or "how can I get of this."   Its funny how we go to God with answers to our prayers and do not ask Him what to pray for. If we are asking God the why questions during hardships and it is only bringing death and little comfort than we need to change our thinking. Many times we do not get a godly perspective because we are more concerned with our comfort and relief than God's purpose and glory. A dear sister of mine (Jacci) challenged me during my pain I am currently facing with looking at it through different heart and mindset.   As disciples of Christ the question we should ask is, How can God be most glorified through my life, my response, my speech, and actions during this trial?  

The truth is that everything that happens in life is first considered by God and passes through His loving and Sovereign hands. He sees the big picture and keeps His promise that "He works all things together for the good of those who love Him." As many times as I have read that, I can't get around the word "all" (all means all).  He doesn't waste anything and He will use our life, our story, our pain, our trials for our good and His glory. He is incapable of evil or not being loving towards all He has made and there is comfort in knowing that He will not lead us astray or forsake us.

 One of my participants (Megan- do not look down on her because she is young and you will see why) shared profound wisdom that our response in trials could be showing someone else God's greatness, grace, His love, compassion, and power. Just by persevering through any trial is a demonstration and testament of God's grace in our lives. I don't think we know how strong we are in Him until we know that He never gives us more than we can handle in Him- if it seems big than know your God is big and
strong enough to pull you through.
 

There are trials that seem impossible to get through, but that is when we can hold God responsible to deliver us in His time, in His purpose, and for His name sake (glory).  I am learning to be adjusted by His love and to see every thing as an opportunity to draw close to Him. I would never know Him has my healer if I didn't go through a time of pain or as my deliverer (Psalm 34:19) if I wasn't in a desperate situation. I recently had a revolution that we can seek God to know WHAT IS IT JESUS GETS TO BE FOR US NOW IN CURRENT CIRCUMSTANCES COULDN'T BE ANY OTHER TIME? For me, He is revealing Himself as my COMFORTER and HEALER (I said "my" because He is a personal God) and He is teaching me to trust Him and in His un-changing love regardless of my circumstances or condition of my heart that He will show me His strength in my weakness.

I will praise my God in all circumstances and my hearts cry is "not my will but yours be done." He will not waste our suffering and that is the very thing He will use to bring restoration and healing in lives of those around us. God sees the big picture and we can rejoice in knowing our God does not lie and He will fulfill all His promises for our lives. My favorite Swazi song is "Bambalayla" (means hold onto Jesus) and it rings true that He is the only thing that is constant and that we can put our complete trust in and lives in no matter what comes our way. No wonder they sing it with such passion and hope- He is all we need everyday in every situation.  As my precious sister Natalie once told me "you will never know He is all you need until He is all you have"(Selah). So we can count it all loss compared to knowing Him and if every situation whether good or bad allows us to know Him more than blessed by His name.