A couple of years ago I walked through the gates of Emmanuel Orphanage in New Delhi, India. I met the most beautiful children who greeted me with warm smiles and hugs. The children had nothing, they slept 5 to a bed, many with lice and scabies, all they owned was shared in one drawer with another child. They shared similar stories of abandonment , rejection, and being orphaned at a young age. One thing these children had was a love for God that tangible in everything they did and said. They would worship and pray for hours and believed God was who He said He was.

One day I was walking barefoot with three of the girls when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked down to see, Rina, 5 years old, take off the only pair of shoes she owned, which happened to be pink flip flops that were brown from the dirt. She put them on my feet one by one, they were two sizes too small, but I didn't care...she then took me over to the water hole, which had no water that day. There was a bucket that had water saved from the night before that she poured out on my feet and began to wash them. I was overwhelmed. I saw Jesus in that little girl, she taught me something that day that has never left me.

She the only pair of shoes to me, she didn't care about the sacrifice she wanted to honor me and bless me because she understood the value of our relationship. It was love behind the giving and the love she felt from me that compelled her to such a sacrificial act. 

This past year I have thought of the "shoes" in my life that represented idolatry. I thought how I would sell everything for those shoes and I even said to God, "anything but these."   I thought those shoes defined me, gave me security and comfort and I called them love. Then those shoes failed me and I realized they were keeping me from the blessings and the true love of my creator. It was as if one day God tapped on my shoulder and said I have this for you: my son who died for you. When I understood that love and the value of Jesus' love for me I let Him take my shoes- those worthless idols in my life. 

Since then it is as if everyday I get to open up a new present from God; a treasure, my inheritance from Him. It comes in the form of joy, love, peace, reconciliation, healing, the list goes on and on. I don't miss those shoes and I am willing to give anything that He asks of me because He is enough...more than enough.

Many times we hear that we are to seek the Lord's face.  It is a common theme prayed, preached, and conversed among believers.  The other night when i was praying the Lord spoke to my spirit and said " many of my children are seeking my hand and not my face."  It hit me like a ton of bricks- and I recalled times in my life that i put conditions on my love for the Lord.  I have made selfish requests in my prayers accusing God for not pulling through for me in things i thought I was entitled to or needed to be happy.  The times i suffered i could not seek His face, because i was too caught up inseeking relif or comfort from His hand and not asking Him what He was trying to teach me and reveal to me during that time.

Here is a simple truth that we all need to hear, "Jesus and the cross, is that not enough?" He gave us His Son, what more could we ask for!  Everything we need for life is found in Him. The cross in itself is worth our entire life and worth whatever we go through because we know that there is one who loves us and gave Himself for us. We know that this light and momentary troubles aren't to be compared to the glory that waits us.  Why do we spend so much time wanting the Lord to do things that honestly may be just temporary 'feel goods" and we miss out on really knowing Him and seeking His face.

The word promises that when we seek Him we will find Him.  There is so much intimacy in seeking His face and being able to love Him no matter what, because we know Him.  We know His
character, we know His heart towards us, we know He works all things for the good of those who love Him. 

If the Lord was interested in just giving us what we wanted then He would not be a loving Father.  Why? because He sees the big picture and He knows what will bring HIm the most
glory and be used for our good and the benefit of others.  He also knows that faith requires looking beyond His hand and trusting Him as we seek His face.

There are times I chose to look away when i felt God didn't come through for me or do what I needed Him to do. There are times i accused Him- for what? For being God... what makes me think
i know what is best for my heart and for the kingdom.  I missed the part that says if you want to find life you need to lose yours, or I count all things rubbish compared to knowing Him.  My heart aches
to say that all I care about is getting Jesus- His face is all I seek.  The other things in His hand are good and a blessing, but if my focus is on that then I will miss out on what it means
to truley be a disciple of Christ and knowing Christ my Lord.

 ⁵ This is what the LORD says:
       "Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
       who depends on flesh for his strength
       and whose heart turns away from the LORD.

 ⁶ He will be like a bush in the wastelands;
       he will not see prosperity when it comes.
       He will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
       in a salt land where no one lives.

 ⁷ "But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
       whose confidence is in him.

 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  Matthew 11:28-30

 

Accept this invitation that God is giving you- come to Him all who are weary and He will give you rest.

Driving down the road in Montana with my friend there we saw her... a cute hunched-back lady raking leaves outside. Without saying a word my friend slammed on the breaks and said "Marissa get out and I'll come get you later." She knows me too well and my love for the "wiser people of this world ". It was love at first sight and she was too cute to just pass on by...

As I approached her frail body I introduced myself and asked her what she was doing raking leaves all by herself and I couldn't let her do that. She said honey I am 90 years old and all alone but I still have enough strength to rake these leaves. So- just in those few short utterances she had my heart and I wanted to hear her story. I asked her what her secret was to being in such good health and shape for her age... she replied "walking and Jesus." I wanted to ask her to be my Grandma, but instead I settled for a hug. I just smiled b/c since I've been back from Africa I miss the Go-Go's (grandmother) so much, but God knows my heart and wanted to give me a little kiss in the form of this precious elderly bundle of cuteness.

She invited me into her house and nothing could have prepared me for the collection, dare I say obsession inside. When I walked into her living room there were over 4000 sets of eyes staring at me. Oh-now that I've got your attention I should explain... she has been collecting dolls since she was five years old. After 85 years of collecting dolls one might say she is quiet the connoisseur of dolls. Her 12 X 14 foot living room was covered from floor to ceiling with dolls. Where her couch use to sit now sat dolls from different eras over the decades. It wasn't for a lack of feeling that these dolls were dearly loved that I felt a little sorrow in my heart as she began to un-fold the story of her life. 

She received her first doll at the age of 5 when her mother passed away and she was taken in by her Elementary school teacher who gave her a doll. As a child in crisis she clung to her doll and received comfort and joy in the doll. One day while playing she left the doll outside and when she went back for it –it was gone. She spent next 85 years searching for the feeling of comfort that doll evoked within her. She kept most of them in storage her entire life until her husband passed away 20 years ago and then she put them out and began collecting again. Again... that void in her life has been filled with "false security" she desperately grasp at the only thing she knows of comfort. I guess there is no fear in loving a doll because they can't love her back and she doesn't have to worry about them dying. Standing in the middle of her living room fully aware of our need for God and His comfort my heart ached as I realized these dolls were not collectables but gauze for her heart.

We prayed together and I shared about the one who sees each tear she has cried and came to bind up her broken-heart. I reminded her that He has never left her or forsaken her- a God who is living and offers love and comfort beyond anything this world could give.

There is no one on this earth who doesn't know suffering. We spend our lives and our time filling and borrowing what this world has to offer.   So often we choose not to deal in God's economy but in our own. The economy of God's love has no bounds, there is no wound it can not heal, there is no need it can not meet. What are you borrowing from this world to fill your hurt or pain? What are you doing to make sense of your past?  Are you willing to let God have access to your pain?

Everything the world has to offer to ease to our pain is a temporary imitation like stuffing gauze into a fatal wound.   We try in our own strength to ease the pain... maybe ignoring it, running from it, or replacing it with something that looks and feels good but isn't God. 

Jesus is what our hearts are begging for, He is the creator of our hearts and therefore we can be brave by bringing our pain to Him and having hope that He will heal our wounds.   I wonder what we've collected in our own hearts over the years and I wonder if we're aware that Jesus is still waiting to replace the gauze with His healing balm. 

 

I spent most my life living in that prison cell depending on the season: rejection, un-worthiness, pain, self-hate, abandonment. For the first time I felt like you unlocked those doors and pulled me out violently in your embrace. You said- Marissa b/c I love you we need to go there- I will be gentle and will restore to you what has been stolen. It was as if I could breathe again – as if I felt like I had new life- one w/out ball and chains... one w/out fear... loneliness... false idols...

I was scared to go there but I did b/c where else could I go. I was tired of trying to be your child and tell others about you when inside I was dying- I was slowly become my worst enemy and I was clinging to anything that looked like love or security- but in the end that left me the emptiest of all. I tried religion and that created a performance based love which only brought deeper condemnation and shame. I tried relationships that failed me and couldn't meet any expectation that only you could satisfy. You had to adjust things in my life by your love and because of your love. You didn't want anything to share that place where only you should dwell and meet the longings of my heart. Although letting go of things was hard in the end I could never return to broken cisterns that can not satisfy. I realized that your love has been constant my whole life it was just I had things in the way of receiving that love.

It seems we are dancing again and your love is overwhelming yet inviting- so intense- so wonderful. It is as if nothing else mattered b/c all those other things couldn't survive in that love and you were jealous to have me to yourself. I felt alive and was glowing from allowing you to have all of me.  No- it wasn't easy but it was worth the wrestling, the tears, the fear of being in a new un-familiar place- yet is was as if that is where I belonged and should of lived all along. The enemy has always hated the place where there is intimacy with you b/c there he can not compete with as darkness can not fellowship with light.

All I know is you walked with me through it all and you were never overwhelmed by my heart or pain and refused to leave me bound by my sin and selfish desires.

You have written my life before time and have ordered every one of my steps.  Your love has never once changed, moved, or failed me- you love me 100% of the time all the time. It is in that love I find comfort and I find security and peace where my heart use to have un-rest.  I see the missing pieces of the puzzle making their way in the right spot as I watch the Lord put it where He wants it and where He can use it to make my story complete as He who began a good work continues to...

You know me and know the depths of my heart. You would not stand beside my pain as my Healer and let the broken pieces remain- you came to bind up the broken – hearted. You asked me not to fellowship with the pain or problem but to fellowship with you.  You are the creator of my heart and therefore I trusted you to put it back together again- this time with your love in the place of all earthly love.

I trust that you are capable of using everything that happens in my life for your name sake. I will accept the things handed to me and surrender my life and all my pain to you to use my story to encourage those who too have walked in valley of the shadow of death.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil. This is the declaration of my heart and my promise as His child. I will overcome, I will walk through, and joy will come in the morning.  I am confident that you are with me and my name is engraved in the palm of your hand.  His hands formed me and know me and hold me.  he is capable of handling anything I face and is bigger than any circumstance or pain...

If there is one thing I have been encouraged by in my time in Africa is how the believers rejoice in their suffering. When I arrived their church services were always full of such life in worship and I would ask what is this song about and 9 times out of 10 they would say "thank you Jesus." I have an inside joke with one of my Swazi friends when I ask her what this song means, I usually say let me guess "thank you Jesus."  They live out what it means to give thanks in all circumstances. There is so much suffering as a part of life here and they see it as a way to draw closer to the Lord. I think for some reason I had the mentality that I had a right not to suffer , especially as a believer. I mean, if Jesus really loves me why would He allow me to hurt or suffer (sorry dad you don't lie and you say you know the plans you have for us not to harm us...). Yet, the Lord calls us to know Him in our suffering and that it will produce a glory in us that far out weighs any trial we go through. It is a joy to identify with Him in our suffering because than we know we are not alone and that He is the only one who understands us and can bring comfort.

Usually our response to pain is "why Lord" or "how could this of happened to me" or "how can I get of this."   Its funny how we go to God with answers to our prayers and do not ask Him what to pray for. If we are asking God the why questions during hardships and it is only bringing death and little comfort than we need to change our thinking. Many times we do not get a godly perspective because we are more concerned with our comfort and relief than God's purpose and glory. A dear sister of mine (Jacci) challenged me during my pain I am currently facing with looking at it through different heart and mindset.   As disciples of Christ the question we should ask is, How can God be most glorified through my life, my response, my speech, and actions during this trial?  

The truth is that everything that happens in life is first considered by God and passes through His loving and Sovereign hands. He sees the big picture and keeps His promise that "He works all things together for the good of those who love Him." As many times as I have read that, I can't get around the word "all" (all means all).  He doesn't waste anything and He will use our life, our story, our pain, our trials for our good and His glory. He is incapable of evil or not being loving towards all He has made and there is comfort in knowing that He will not lead us astray or forsake us.

 One of my participants (Megan- do not look down on her because she is young and you will see why) shared profound wisdom that our response in trials could be showing someone else God's greatness, grace, His love, compassion, and power. Just by persevering through any trial is a demonstration and testament of God's grace in our lives. I don't think we know how strong we are in Him until we know that He never gives us more than we can handle in Him- if it seems big than know your God is big and
strong enough to pull you through.
 

There are trials that seem impossible to get through, but that is when we can hold God responsible to deliver us in His time, in His purpose, and for His name sake (glory).  I am learning to be adjusted by His love and to see every thing as an opportunity to draw close to Him. I would never know Him has my healer if I didn't go through a time of pain or as my deliverer (Psalm 34:19) if I wasn't in a desperate situation. I recently had a revolution that we can seek God to know WHAT IS IT JESUS GETS TO BE FOR US NOW IN CURRENT CIRCUMSTANCES COULDN'T BE ANY OTHER TIME? For me, He is revealing Himself as my COMFORTER and HEALER (I said "my" because He is a personal God) and He is teaching me to trust Him and in His un-changing love regardless of my circumstances or condition of my heart that He will show me His strength in my weakness.

I will praise my God in all circumstances and my hearts cry is "not my will but yours be done." He will not waste our suffering and that is the very thing He will use to bring restoration and healing in lives of those around us. God sees the big picture and we can rejoice in knowing our God does not lie and He will fulfill all His promises for our lives. My favorite Swazi song is "Bambalayla" (means hold onto Jesus) and it rings true that He is the only thing that is constant and that we can put our complete trust in and lives in no matter what comes our way. No wonder they sing it with such passion and hope- He is all we need everyday in every situation.  As my precious sister Natalie once told me "you will never know He is all you need until He is all you have"(Selah). So we can count it all loss compared to knowing Him and if every situation whether good or bad allows us to know Him more than blessed by His name.

I remember praying as I was seeking direction and I simply asked God to send me where people were hungry. He answered that prayer in a way that was beyond my imagination. I have experienced many cultures where people know I am American and immediately begin asking me to give them something. People want money, clothes, food, job, etc. Never before though have I encountered people begging me for truth. The people in the area we were in Mozambique have never been told about Jesus.   There was a Mosque and a witch doctor and that was all they knew of spirituality. When we told them of Jesus they would inquire why they had never heard the truth before, why didn't someone tell them there sins could be forgiven.  These people had an insatiable hunger to know more of Him. They would come to us, sit down in the dirt, and ask to hear more of the beautiful reality of God offering redemption to a fallen world by living among us, dying for us, and defeating death. They would say "feed me" and were not talking about their stomachs. 

We were blessed to see the truth of Jesus radically change even the youngest lives in Mozambique. It is amazing to see that as a child of God wherever you go you can bring life- the life of Christ in you can bring change to an entire community and bring light to the darkness.  When we first arrived the children were solemn and devoid of joy. I remember looking in their eyes where the light was dim and noticing that laughter was not present. We spent our days pouring the love of Jesus into their beautiful little lives and His joyous light began to take over. Where silence had been before the sounds of children laughing and singing "Jesus loves me" (Jesu A Coranza) could now be heard. A little love can change a little life and can bring warmth and joy to their hearts.  We awoke to the sound of the children's praises (they were louder than the roosters... and trust me they are loud) and heard them singing as we walked along the simple sand roads during the day. Their mothers came to us to thank us for the love we had shown their children. One mother told us her son said to her, "since the missionaries came I now know the truth that Jesus loves me and died for me." It was incredible to hear that even though we fed him, bathed him, and clothed him that the thing that made the greatest impression on him was that he heard truth.

Word spread throughout the community that there were people there who served a real and powerful God. One day a man showed up saying a relative of his had heard of us and told him we served the one true God who had the power to heal. His wife was sick and had gone to see the witch doctor and gotten worse. He realized the witch doctor had no power so he walked for miles to see us and ask us to pray for his wife. There is something powerful about not just preaching the gospel but showing the gospel... that was our prayer that we would come to them not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power...(1 Cor. 2:4b). 

A woman named Isabella sold me tomatoes. I talked with her for a while telling her about Jesus and sharing truth with her.   The Lord prompted me to ask her about her string necklace and she told me the witch doctor had given it to her. She had been having chest pains and night terrors for six years, which is why she began paying to see the witch doctor. She showed up to our showing of the Jesus Film and she was the first to come forward (with her necklace in her hand she had ripped off) to accept Him in front of 200 people. What she had been hoping the witch doctor would accomplish for the past 6 years Jesus did for free with one utterance of His name. Jesus brought such a change into her she had been standoffish before but after she met Jesus and received His healing she was warm and full of light and joy. She came to bring us tomatoes as a love offering to say "thank you" because since that night she had no more pain or night terrors. 

I still weep thinking of the people that came to bring us their first fruits and to say thank you. I looked at the feet of my teammates that were dirty, tired, but beautiful (beautiful to Jesus as we brought the good news). God had sent them all the way from America to share His truth in the middle of nowhere. Just as the wise man brought Jesus gifts these people were bringing gifts to us- but is wasn't us- it was unto the Lord. All we did was ask the Lord where to go and He sent us to these people who were so hungry for truth but never had the opportunity to hear it.

The Lord lead us to build them a small grass hut for them to have as their own meeting place and as a testimony to the community of the fact that Jesus is working there. As we were able to share Jesus with the people there the church began to grow, now there are about 100 people who gather in the name of Jesus. They saw that Jesus is alive and that Allah didn't die for their sins and Allah doesn't love them or know their name or story. They saw that the witch doctor took their money but left them empty and their hearts in the same condition and their pain only worse off then before. They recognized the truth when they heard it because they saw His love and they experienced His love and felt His awesome power. They couldn't get enough of the truth they wanted it more than physical food and they were eager to grow and know more about His life and what He offers them. Such simple faith... they believed when they heard w/out reservation or hesitation- when you are dead and you taste life you never want to go back to that. You never want to worship a god who is distant and is in one place- you never want to live with chains on when you know someone died to take them away.
 

I saw what following Christ is all about... my theme this summer was that this is "no sacrifice this is our life". It is the normal Christian life and the heart of the father from Genesis to Revelation to go and make disciples and to proclaim His truth to the ends of the earth. This is why I said "here am I send me..." because I am compelled by His love to  preach the good news to the poor, to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners.. comfort those who mourn... to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes. So Lord would you send us to the lonely ones, hurting ones, angry ones, broken ones, dying ones, lost ones... their names are engraved in the palm of your hand and your love will never leave them the same.

"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it." (Mark 8:35) He is worth wasting my life one, spending my time on, living for and dying for. There is a price to pay and I am willing to endure hardships, spiritual warfare, sleepless nights, persecution, suffering, and eating beans and rice everyday (: for the sake of the Kingdom of God. I am comforted knowing that the Lord is with me and I am not alone and everything I need is found in Him. It is also amazing to have encouraging friends and family who encourage me to fight the good fight and don't become weary in doing good; they serve as an army behind me as I step out in faith. It is about the body of Christ working together to see the Kingdom of God come to earth and His love and truth spread to every tribe, tongue, and nation.

We serve a living God who wants to be actively present in our lives and those around us. He wants to restore, rebuild, redeem and bring life and light to all who call upon His name.

I saw this summer that His power is just as real today in a small corner of Southeast Africa (otherwise known as the Bush) as it was 2000 years ago in Jerusalem.